here in my head...again...

loss.

so, i have experienced some severe loss this week.

my ipod died on wednesday. i can't even turn it on to restore it.
and then...today, my dvd player died.

it's a sad day.

and the problem i am having, that if death comes in threes, what's next?
my car?
my computer? (GOD, no!)
my bike?

please pray. i'm afraid.

road rash.

i love cycling, and teaching cycling, and mountain biking and everything else about it. i dream about completing a triathalon some day in the near future or participating in a biking marathon sometime in my life. i love waking up on sunday morning and taking 2-3 hour rides through boise, on the greenbelt, in the foothills, camelback and everything else...which usually turns out to be about 20-30 miles depending on the day.

i had a bad bike accident on sunday during my ride. i had a wonderful weekend working out, sleeping, watching movies, and hanging out with new friends at the Tour de Fat (NEW BELGUIM sponsored beer/bike festival in Julia Davis park) and i was pretty tired. i was on a pretty big hill and coming down fast. i wasn't really paying as much attention as i should have been and i hit some loose gravel. the bike went one way, i flew through the air in the complete opposite direction. the bike got a beating....chains popped off and the protective plates broke in half. and then there was me...i knew what was coming and even began to imagine how bad it would be...i flew across the street, on my elbow and skidded along the entire left side of my body. blood poured all over me and the cement. i couldn't stamd because i hurt everywhere. it was too surreal and i didn't know if i could even move. as i lay there in the middle of the street in a pool of my own blood, i couldn't help but well up with silent tears. it wasn't from the pain, although i was beginning to become aware of new parts that were torn up...but...all of a sudden, the independence and self-confidence i've worked so hard to find in the last 9 months, disappeared entirely and i felt completely alone and more weak than i have in a while. suddenly, i really felt i needed someone because i was just too afraid to stand up or confront the mess that was my shredded body.

i just layed there in the street and almost fell asleep to escape when a few minutes later a man on a motorcycle stopped in front of me. he extended his hand and helped me stand, took out his first aid bag and cleaned up what he could do from the street, and tied a hankerchief around my arm to stop the bleeding. he patched my bike back together, asked me some questions to make sure i didn't have a concusion, and made sure i would make it home. he even offered me a ride home or to take me to the hospital, but since i was only 6 miles from home, i told him i thought i would make it ok. he watched me ride down the rest of the hill and on to the greenbelt, and as i turned around to wve my thanks, he drove away. as i pulled away and proceeded home, i thanked God for my own good samaritan moment, for his random act of kindness and that i was actually ok...cuz, wow, it could have been a lot worse than it was.

i, somehow, made it home, all the while leaving a trail of blood drops from the hill to my door. i looked in the mirror and looked as if i was hit by a truck; i tried to clean up, but the blood from my elbow had been pouring down my legs and waist the entire way home and it was a little overwhelming. i couldn't even bear it. there was gravel and pieces of cement stuck in my flesh, i had scratches and bruises from my ankle to my shoulder, and i was beginning to be dizzy from lack of rest, blood and ease. i had a sore head and back from hitting the ground as hard as i did and i just began to cry and laugh at the same time. there was (is) this sick part of me that thinks it really cool to know i did this to myself doing something i really enjoy and while pushing myself hard doing something great for my body. it wasn't even the pain that was making me cry. it was feeling "needy" and i have really started to hate feeling that way. it was feeling lonely and that calling someone would have made me dependent and a burden to someone even when i have been taking care of myself for a while now. i was feeling wounded and vulnerable and needed repair from someone that truly loved me, scratched up and all. i missed my dad. i was dying for my father to wrap me up in a hug and kiss the booboos better. and then make me laugh.

kathy just happened to call when i got home. rini had been telling me to ask for help from someone who was close by and i wouldn't. i just didn't want to be needy. but when kathy called, i accepted her offer to help me get cleaned up and she came over right away. she bought me a soy latte and gave me a ton of hugs. God, i needed that. later that afternoon, aaron and jo treated me to pizza, coldstone, diet coke, silly jokes in bed bath and beyond, and great conversation. it was delightful and i needed that too...more than i actually understood at the time. while i was falling asleep for the 8th time, i started to go over what i learned from my first biking accident:

1. ALWAYS wear a helmet...i think that would have been helpful.
2. dont forget to slow down when you've had a...long wonderful weekend
3. FOCUS
4. accidents DO happen. they hurt, you'll bleed, you may even scar, but chicks with mountain biking scars are tough. and freaking sexy! :)
5. you WILL recover and heal
6. God always provides good samaritans when you are spilling your blood all over the street because he love us...that much
7. sometimes even big independent girls cry.
8. sometimes even big independent girls that cry can ask for help from people that love them, and that's OK and doesn't make them less of big independent girl
9. there's no booboo that will heal without paying attention to it, cleaning out the rubble, and washing it out completely. if you don't, you will get an infection and that hurts worse and causes more permanent damage than digging out the cement.
10. there's nothing like pizza, ice cream and wonderful company to make it all seem extremely entertaining and dull the pain. it's ok to let someone love on you when you have felt lost, lonely and scared. sometimes its in those moments you realize how much they really DO love you and how much you are a better person because of their love.

So, thanks, Abba -- for accidents, for keeping me relatively safe, for the man on the motorcycle, for Rini, Kathy, Aaron and Jo. for advil, soy lattes, pizza and coldstone. for bandaids, sleep and good movies. thank you that you've kisses all the booboos better, even ones that are deeper and infected than the ones on the surface. for healing touches, and joy in retelling stories of pain. and thank you for making me into one tough, hardcore, kick ass chick. thank you for always providing something to bring me to my knees and draw me back to you when i am riding high on self-confidence, and for giving me times of pain to release all the boo-hoos. thank you for helping me realize that i do need a balance between dependence and independence. thank you for reminding me that i am never forgotten, deeply loved and never a burden. thank you for hearing me and whispering that i am never really alone in tangible ways, with gentle tender words and tough rumble falls.

proverbs 20:30 
"physical punishment cleanses away evil; such discipline purifies the heart."

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH

ok...i think i might pee my pants a little...

TORI IS COMING TO SALT LAKE IN NOVEMBER!!!!
I am SOOOO there!
November 29th, the E Center, here I come!

oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh...doing a happy dance peeps! here I go...

Ps. 29 - cjm

in the rhythmic sound of ocean's waves
you call
in pounding crash of thunder bolts
you speak
soothing and eerie as misty spring morns,
your voice moves even a death stone of a heart like mine
split it apart or let it fall in the wood
make it skip like a child in playground
or an earthquake that destroys civilizations
like a girl on her first date
my heart wraps around your every word
a bride on her wedding night couldn't be more exposed
and all you see is beauty
i will annoint your feet with purfume
put your name on the door
mark me as yours.

strength for brokenness
peace for humility.

Ps. 28 - cjm

crawling in bed again
i pull the covers over my head
you hear the whispers i speak in my pillow
but i would fall asleep in peace if i could hear your whisper back
piercing the dark with cries from the deepest places
i need to hear you now
my helper
my sanctuary in dreams

release me from this
i'm pulled side to side, tug of war
apart in the middle
words drenched with fear
by those who can't stop looking back
back at another time of war and wickedness
lip-gloss smiles with stains on their teeth and tongues
bombs going in the back
i trust no one anymore
all are traitors
you go in front of me, the infantry
and stand behind a sheild of mirrors
mirrors that look past all their put together selves
beautiful, decorated uniforms
they care for nothing you have done
or strategizing
or what you have made.
they are on the warpath again
battleplan in hand
but you've never lost yet
and you'll move them out of the way
bombs destroyed.

we'll pass on through to safe lands
a new home.
thank you will never suffice
i'll praise your name and your victories forever!
you are strong than i know
you shield me from every arrow
i tattoo your name on my heart
for it was your all along, my king, my warrior, my victor
i can't stop throwing parties in the free land
music is blarring
and i'm a dancing idiot
all because of you
you are the victory
and i sit at your feet
let me stay here forever

i'll wake to speak your name before i open my eyes.

what brings me joy today

-Kaelynn - her laugh, smile, dancing, hugs and kisses and watching her learn new things, watching her sleep, the way she smells after a bath, her curls and cute jammies, and falling asleep with her on my chest.

-hearing a song someone wrote only for you

-being told you are beautiful

-making someone you love laugh uncontrollably

-goatees and soul patches

-the ocean

-Shark Week

-a hug from a friend you haven't seen in a while

-letters

-flowers

-waking up slow

-soy lattes with hazelnut

-"I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" after a fight

-first kisses

-new pairs of jeans

-surprises

-smell of campfires

-milk chocolate

-sushi

-wine

-long conversations about truth, life and love

-singing at the top of my lungs

-fireplaces in winter

-Christmas trees

-autumn

-aspen trees, especially in the fall when they turn yellow

-summer breezes

-spring's first blooms on the trees

-afternoon naps

-long bike rides

-purposeful silences

-orange roses

-orchids

-a clean house

-completing a hard workout

-random acts of kindness

-spontaneity

-long drives with great music

-being told you were desperately missed

-making a pizza with someone you love

-hearing "I love you" when you don't have to say it first

-slowing down enough that you don't care what time it is

-a good movie

-believing in yourself

-accomplishing a goal you've worked long and hard for

-receiving a compliment that you know is heartfelt

-clean sheets

-candles

-the ocean

-eucalyptus trees after the rain

-thunderstorms

-sunkissed shoulders and cheeks

-giving gifts to those who are hurting

-making someone smile when they've been crying

-stupid random jokes

-silence and held glances filled with "I love you"

-best girlfriends and girl night outs

-acting like a child in public

-a breeze blowing through the curtains in early spring

-snuggling under the covers in the middle of winter with the windows open

-camping and the outdoors

-yellow!

-wildflowers

-seeing someone you love succeed

-watching other's excellence, their calling, and experiencing their passions

-restoration

-my father's compliments and pride in me

-late nights with lots of friends, music, laughter and wine!

-my brother's hugs

-laying down your pride to love another

-romance

-fresh popcorn

-landing in an airplane when you know the next person you will see is someone you have missed and love

-smiling from the inside out

-RAINBOWS, and not just the ones with a pot of gold at the end of them...no the SANDELS too!!

-confidence

-stretching and reaching up as high as I can

-communion

-creating artistic expressions

-photography...and taking lots of pictures

-reading good books in the bathtub

-lavender

-sparkly eyeshadow

-smelly good lotions!

-yoga pants!

-discovering a new hobby

-FRIENDS, Labryinth, 50 First Dates, Tori Amos...basically anything that is an old favorite

-peanut butter

-fresh baked cookies

-old friends and sharing memories

-making new friends and creating memories

-concerts and music you know every word to

So...did I leave anything out?
please feel free to add to my list. I would love to see what brings YOU joy!

Ps. 25:16-22 (cjm)

POUND POUND POUND!
HELP!
LET ME OUT!
It's lonely in here and I can't find the way out
Or even a light switch in this black hole
I think I'm in an ubliette.
Labryinths are full of them, I'm told.
I'm down deep
Over my head
In here all alone.
I turn a corner
and SLAM another dead end
Backtrack a little to gain perspective, and possibly find a friend,
But the path's changed
and this time there's...there's...is something out there?
I think it's after me.
Is there an end to this?
I couldn't need you more now.
Give me a light?
Light this candle so that I can find my way.
I need a guide to hold my hand as a jump
and cheer me on as I run across the swamps, deserts, mountains, valleys...
and finally dance with me at the ball.
Everyone else seems to have left me along the way.
If I give you a kiss,
will you forgive me and lead on?

Slanderous words from closest of kin makes this journey more difficult to bare.
It's my own fault
But now they throw stone after stone
Each one bigger than the others.
It doesn't matter what you wrote in the sand...
They are looking for their amunition
The next sharp rock to throw
Even if it's under your foot.

If your banner over me is love,
Then surround me with brick walls
My candle's flickering and I have no more matches.
If you said my name,
I would walk to follow the sound of your voice,
Even if it meant I couldn't see 2 inches in front of me the entire way.
Hold my hand -- I'm two steps behind.

Ps. 25:1-15 -- cjm

balloons of black, white and red float away
maybe they'll reach you and you'll hear each one tell it's story
and think of me
i'm trusting you'll get my message and remember that you love me
you see...

i'm scared again by my personal monsters in the closet
they mock me as i sleep
and i liet here humbled.
humiliated.
could you put a lock on that door?
bar it up with wood and 9 inch nails?
while you're in my room, and i'm sitting at your feet, clutching at your leg
you will keep them out
and you'll remind me that i am your special girl.
your darling
HA! your bark is always bigger than your bite, monsters!

i've been taking a lot of wrong turns these days.
you think you could drive?
i feel a little intoxicated
and i seem to keep missing the exit, or on ramp, or making illegal u-turns...
i think we should pull over and take a look at your map.
my map is completely out of date.
i keep driving with my eyes on the rear view mirror and i think i'm headed for another head-on collision.

maybe i should just close my eyes
and listen to your directions
so that your voice is the only one i can hear
and then...could you teach me how to drive again?
i think that way it would save me drom dropping off another cliff.
from dawn to dawn, i will put my life in your hands.

remember the monsters in the closets and how you drove them away?
remember each skinned knee that you patched up and kissed better?
oh, how i wish my accidents these days were as easy to clean up as washing my sheets.
can you ever forgive me for flipping you off to your face?
or running away?

can you look at me and see me with a crown on my head
and a pure white gown
walking down an aisle
and committing my heart to yours?
for you are so good...
like fine wine and milk chocolate to my lips
you show me beautiful strolls
down secluded beaches
even when i've wanted to sleep the day away

for your honor, and to put you on a pedastal...
see me differently than i am and give me a new name.
your name.

house my heart with yours and let's watch the children run through the sprinklers
on our lawn of green trees and fragrant flower gardens
speak tenderly to me as we lay together at night
we'll giggle under the covers
and hold each other tight as we rest

i will always look to you
monster-slayer
road-guide
collision-corrector
name-giver
memory-maker
pillow-talker
lover-friend.

Psalm 24-cjm

Standing on this ridge away from home
I see your work displayed
And everyone I pass has a reflection of you in their eyes
or at least in their sunglasses
You set up your easel and started the masterpiece
Each stroke of your brush on the canvas created beauty unimaginable

Can I climb to the top of this mountain
when my lungs are filled with smoke
my heart is weak
and this pack is too heavy to lift my feet?
If I put my feet in the water's edge
will it only taint the untouched beauty with dirt and stench?
Blood, sweat and tears in the crystaline waters. Pure.

I feel too small
I know I am filthy
and i know the lies won't be washed out completely.
Such clean water only sting when they purify.

Drop the pack, drop the load
and crawl to the stream that gives pure life
refreshing
Soaking in from head to toe
Saturating the places that became raw on the trail
You meet mehere and remove the grime from the creases in my forehead and under my fingernails
Making me new, you pour over restoration and renewal
and again I proceed...I can.
Right next to me
Right before me
Right behind me
Where I need you to be
Never more than a step or few near by.
There I meet you again.

SKIES, show your splendor
MOUNTAINS, display your glory
LAKES, reflet the beauty of your Master Designer
Each brush stroke -- miraculous.
Each work of art -- a masterpiece.
And I am in awe again.

a psalm a day makes the hole go away.

I am going through the One Year Bible for my daily devotionals. So as part of my devotional time, I have decided to rewrite a Psalm a day...in my own language, metaphors and form of poetry. This is a form of worship and response to what I am reading, a way of processing it in more than just reading Scripture. I will be posting them occasionally on my blog if anyone is interested. I also would love the conversation and for you to share your own thoughts if you want to participate. Please keep in mind that this isn't going to be word for word from the Bible, any good at all (I am not a poet; just exploring creative expression in my spiritual life) or perfect exegesis; it is simply my form of responding to what Abba is speaking to me in the quiet places of my journey.

Thanks again, and hope to see you along the road to healing.